I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

If we are what we eat then I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Enjoy your furs. Its real owners died in it.

Is there life before death?

Recycle your thoughts. Ideas are sparse these days.

Reality is for people with no imagination.

Make love not war. Hit the bed not the floor.

If I know I'm going crazy then I must not be insane.

The problem with Republican jokes is that sometimes they get elected.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Why do we have to make up our minds? Why can't we make up our beds instead?

Growing up is realizing you don't.

Due to a lack of interest tomorrow has been canceled.

Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorthy.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

I is a college student.

Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Madness takes its toll. Please have correct change.

There cannot be a crisis today. My schedule is already full.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you stopped thinking.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

A bird in the hand can be removed by a simple operation.

Diplomacy is the act of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her . . . or something like that.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

24 hours in a day. . . 24 beers in a case. . . coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents: accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Never knock on Death's Door, just ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

Don't take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.